Help me understand your purpose in my life. I've written bad poetry about you. Stayed up light at night worrying about you. Cried constantly and doubted myself over you. I've left you behind many times and yet... You always come back. Always returning to my awareness only after I've hardened my heart to you. And always leaving a trail of confusion in your wake.
Leading me to abruptly end contact so that the question of you leaves me be, if only for a while.
But you always return and I always respond. So the question is why? What game are we playing? Do you know? Because I'm no longer 16 and I'm tired of not knowing the rules.
What is your purpose in my life? What is mine in yours?
One of us needs to figure this out.
So I wrote this a week ago, while at a show in local place called the Naked Lounge. I was half a beer in, listening to great music by a fellow buddha while people many beers deep yelled nonsense... And I remember just suddenly feeling... Like I wanted to feel more than I did. I was sad that the feelings were no longer there. Or were they/ are they/ still there; buried so deep behind unresolved teenage tears that it simply feels like there is nothing?
Who. fucking. knows?
However, the fact remains we're like that stupid couple in Brokeback Mountain. I'm tired of thinking "I wish I could quit you."
...lol Ok, so I've never actually thought that particular phrase....
But I am tired of being emotionally tied to someone I've spoken to at least a few months out of every year since I was 16.
Come in or get out. Your letting all of the fresh air out of my life.