This is the way..

Blitzen Trapper, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

I wonder if I could write a blog composed entirely of song titles and lyrics? Probably. Actually, most likely. This IS me, we're talking about. But anyway...

This is the way the world ends.

Not really, but I imagine, if the world WERE ending I'd probably be in a similar position. Cup of cooling coffee at my feet, music playing in the background, while I look through my flickr account and try to find a fitting picture for my last blog update.

Not that this is the last but...

This is the way my concentration ends. In a hail storm of random thoughts, twitter, stuffed noses and music. Always music.

Now enough of this nonsense. I have a Women's Studies paper to write.

Cato As a Pun

Knotts Berry COLD, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

So, here I am. Heart racing. Sniffling. Coughing. Listening to good music. Talking to my ex. And I suddenly realize why the universe put her back in my life.

It was so I could see once and for all, how I don't need her. How imperfect she was and how fine I am with out her.

Now I know, what you're thinking. "So?" But this is a moderately big deal. Not a huge deal. But decent sized. When we were together, she seemed larger then life. A Uni student to my wee, high school life. Funny, sarcastic... And I always got the feeling that I should be thankful she was gracing me with her presence. Our relationship was plagued with my perceived knowledge that I wasn't good enough. When we broke up for good, it sort of confirmed that for me.

Sure I moved on. But to I degree, I think that relationship had a greater impact on me than I should be comfortable admitting. I both compared everyone I dated to an idealized version of her, but kept them at a distance and found them wanting when they couldn't get close.

Then out of the blue, she's back. My initial response is to feel giddy. Because, we're on even footing now! This could work! The problem is... We're on even footing now. I know myself and have a quiet self confidence I definitely did not have at 16 - 18. I no longer feel the need to live up to invisible expectations. Which leaves me only with open eyes.

And the picture doesn't exactly match up to the stylized version I'd been carrying with me. Now I see only a woman frozen in time that drinks to keep the world at bay.

It's sad. But there's significant relief to be had in realizing that you have in fact out grown certain ghosts.

"I can't even pretend that you are my friend
What has happened to you and I?
And don't say that I have changed
'Cause, man, of course I have"
__________________Cato as a Pun - Of Montreal

Full Moon

50 WEST, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

It's cold, positively gray outside and I've got a huge cup of coffee.

It's nice. But I'm slipping, much like I always do.Slipping in the way it's very easy to start an unbreakable cycle. So I guess it's a good thing there's a 10-hour tozo underway right now.

I'll only be catching the last 3 to 4 hours of it, but I desperately need it. I don't know why I'm so easily thrown off kilter. And I wish more then anything it wasn't something I needed to work so hard at. I mean, most people wake up with their alarm, get dressed and do the things they need to do.

Me? Every step of the cycle from going to sleep to waking up is a struggle. And the slightest deviation puts things in a spin. So like I said, headed for a tozo. Because I could really really really use the Daimoku.

When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home
I am going out to see what I can sow
And I don't know where I'll go
And I don't know what I'll see
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me
___________________'Full Moon' - The Black Ghosts

Cravings

Cravings, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

First things first... How yum does that look? I woke up this morning with the distinct craving for good pasta salad. And while I had the pasta and the spinach, that was ALL I had.

So to the grocery store I went! Well, first stop was actually to get coffee... But THEN to the grocery store I went.

Now, generally I hate grocery shopping. I'm never quite sure WHAT I should buy so I usually end up with choice overload. Resulting in me buying bread, lunch meat, half & half, and spinach. However, today was different for some reason. I think it may have been, subtle excitement for the pasta I'd be making when I got home.

Like always, I shopped slow. Seriously, slow. I'm sure I'd never be able to shop with someone else because they'd quickly get frustrated with how long I take. But what can I say? I don't like being rushed. And after about an hour and a half... I'd finally got everything. [Or rather, everything I felt like buying. Whether it was enough remains to be seen.]

I slowly make my way to the cashier, while listening to my ipod and feeling thoroughly pleased with myself. Now, whenever I'm in a position where someone may address me, I take one headphone out. Just so I wont seem rude. So while I'm putting my food on the belt I can't help but over hear some of the conversation between the cashier and the woman in front of me. For the most part the conversation is little more then background noise. However, just as I'm about to put my Cranbery Juice [With CALCIUM!] on the belt I hear the cashier say, "But that's just that fundamental darkness..."

And my head snapped up. Fundamental Darkness? Was this woman a SGI member?!

I should point out that she was an older black lady. And while this may be an unfair stereotype, I always assume older black women or Christian. It's a hold over from my youth when all the older black people I met WERE Christian. Baptist to be exact.

So of course, I'm hopelessly intrigued and the second the other woman walks away I basically word vomit my question... "Are you a buddhist!?"

Haha. The woman looks at me and she kind of opens her mouth to respond. Pauses and then explains that she's not supposed to talk about things like that at work. Which basically translates to yes, so I'd had my question answered. However, a moment later the woman looks at me and asks me why I asked and I told her it was the phrase "fundamental darkness." I've not heard it anywhere but in Buddhism.

So she nods and asks me what I am. And of COURSE I'm grinning and feeling even more pleased with myself so I say... "Buddhist. SGI." [Imagine me saying.. Bond. James Bond. And you get the picture]

Anyhoo, I found out the woman practices in my district [read: area; it's not big]. We talked a bit and it was just really awesome. I can't really explain WHY it was so great... But it made my inner Buddha quiver with glee

Sometimes We Start Over

Confusion, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

My oh My it's been almost exactly a month since I've given a gloriously random and yet some how unimportant update on the state of things in the ever interesting life of me.

[Like that run-on, do you?]

And really, I've got no excuse. The best way I can describe things is to put it they way I did when talking to some friends not to long ago... Ever feel like your really busy only to discover it's all in your head?

Explain?

I guess it's like.... The feeling you get when you say there aren't enough hours in the day, only to discover in retrospect that you can't really name anything of significant importance that was done? That's what I mean.

But things are good. Really good. I've found that with the cooling weather has come a slower state of mind. The song, "Steady as She Goes" comes to mind in an attempt to describe it. Not because of the specific lyrics of the song. But the name.

I've started walking to school. Which is a tad ridiculous considering I was waiting with a baited breath for the weather to start to cool so I could enjoy the ride more. However, I've really just... slowed down. And what better way to enjoy the change of pace then to walk slow with music in your ear?

I've been thinking more, analyzing things if you will. You wouldn't believe the craziness I managed to submerge myself in. Ever been called by every person you ever dated within the course of a few days? No? It's an odd game of be careful what you wish for.

But it also helps you to address certain issues that are yours alone. You remember the person you were with each of them and assess whether you've changed at all. Hopefully the answer is yes. You also cross your fingers and hope you don't regress.

I almost did. That on top of other things lead to a couple days of mania. But with the change in pace comes a change in outlook. A fresh start if you will.

Currently Spinning: Sometimes I'm Heartless. | from the mixtape | Wild Young Heartbreak | a brilliant mash-up of | The NOISEttes | and | Kanye [the ego trippin'] West