Cato As a Pun

Knotts Berry COLD, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

So, here I am. Heart racing. Sniffling. Coughing. Listening to good music. Talking to my ex. And I suddenly realize why the universe put her back in my life.

It was so I could see once and for all, how I don't need her. How imperfect she was and how fine I am with out her.

Now I know, what you're thinking. "So?" But this is a moderately big deal. Not a huge deal. But decent sized. When we were together, she seemed larger then life. A Uni student to my wee, high school life. Funny, sarcastic... And I always got the feeling that I should be thankful she was gracing me with her presence. Our relationship was plagued with my perceived knowledge that I wasn't good enough. When we broke up for good, it sort of confirmed that for me.

Sure I moved on. But to I degree, I think that relationship had a greater impact on me than I should be comfortable admitting. I both compared everyone I dated to an idealized version of her, but kept them at a distance and found them wanting when they couldn't get close.

Then out of the blue, she's back. My initial response is to feel giddy. Because, we're on even footing now! This could work! The problem is... We're on even footing now. I know myself and have a quiet self confidence I definitely did not have at 16 - 18. I no longer feel the need to live up to invisible expectations. Which leaves me only with open eyes.

And the picture doesn't exactly match up to the stylized version I'd been carrying with me. Now I see only a woman frozen in time that drinks to keep the world at bay.

It's sad. But there's significant relief to be had in realizing that you have in fact out grown certain ghosts.

"I can't even pretend that you are my friend
What has happened to you and I?
And don't say that I have changed
'Cause, man, of course I have"
__________________Cato as a Pun - Of Montreal

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