Lessons in Breathing

NO HORN BLOWING, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, my allergies have been nothing if not annoying since coming to Sacramento last year. What I rarely talk about is the negative effect it's been having on my asthma recently. The reason for that, is because I really don't pay attention to how difficult it is for me to breathe until right before I enter crisis mode. It's a bad habit that I didn't really realize I had until today.

I went to the Health Clinic today in hopes of getting some information on the H1N1 vaccine, as well as to mention how out of wack my breathing has been lately. As I waited to be seen by the doctor I noticed my voice progressively fading while my head started to pound. I just chocked it up to allergies. By the time I'd been called to see the doctor I'd been feeling slightly dizzy with my head still pounding.

I was having an asthma attack.

I didn't even fully realize that until the doctor told me to take deep breathes so she could listen to my lunges, and I couldn't. She immediately gave me a look and said,"Your lungs are really tight. I'm going to have you take a treatment. I'll back after" [Treatment: Nebulizer filled with Abuterol solution.] The shit makes you jittery as hell, your muscles literally jump... But your lungs open like the red sea so...

It was pointed out to me, once the doctor came back that when she'd first come into the room my lungs were so tight that I barely had enough oxygen in my lungs to speak. And to top it off the lack of oxygen was most likely the cause of the headaches I'd been getting for the past few days. After asking me if I even had my inhaler with me and discovering that I didn't... I basically got chastised like an extremely irresponsible child.

Which, I suppose I deserved.

I've never taken my asthma seriously. To me, in the face of the very serious illness in the world, asthma was only a minor blip. And the doctor let me know how irresponsible that was. "Asthma is a very serious disease and people have died." - "If you ever find yourself out without an inhaler you NEED to go to an emergency room." Then finally, "I'm putting you on steroids."

I think that, more then anything kind of woke me up. You get put on steroid tablets when your attacks start become unmanageable by an inhaler alone. She then told me that in my condition it would be best to get at least the normal flu shot since my asthma seems to get badly exacerbated by illness.

It's crazy and scary. It's time to start taking things a bit more seriously. And I will.

Bring on the jitters!

Get It How You Live

Amanda Palmer, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

I need to get away, to feel again - "First Love" Adele

Two posts in one day; oh the power of your own personal New Year! For me, it lead to a wee bit of introspection and I've decided that I need to live in a collective.

I don't want any part of anybodies corporate country. I want to live my life surrounded by writers, artists and philosophers. And really, I don't care if that comes of a tad pretentious or even naive. The older I get, the more certain I am that I wasn't meant for the structured life of the 9 to 5 world. My wants and desires are simple. I've never wanted the big house, expensive cars and notoriety. I want a bed, music, books and my laptop. I mean really, simplify my life to those basic components and I'd be happy. I used to think that the list of things I needed included a car, but really... My bike will do.

I'm tired of being surrounded by people who's every goal boils down to how big their paycheck will be in the future. How sweet their car will be and how much respect they'll command in the future. Because really, what about now? How can a person ever truly be happy if the things they most concern themselves with are so fleeting in nature?

A life full of things is nothing with out the experiences that will make you smile on your deathbed. Of this I'm certain. However, living with this philosophy isn't easy. Simple wants aren't congratulated by family. Big dreams and unrealistic goals are. Being the oldest means getting the degree, the paycheck and letting it trickle down to younger siblings and cousins.

So then the question arises... Is my simple life philosophy a selfish one? Does being the oldest literally mean that one has to deny themselves for the younger? Does being the first in a University mean that I must hurry to finish?

Some say yes. My heart says otherwise. My mind says to do what needs to be done to stay sane.

The brain has never been much help in things like this

Mishto

CSS, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

Birthdays. Today is mine. That's right! I have now entered one of 3 utterly unimportant years, 22. The next big milestone isn't until 25, when car insurance companies stop trying to overtly rape your wallet. Well, it'll be a milestone if I once again have a car by then. If not, it's all downhill until I can register with AARP!

Ha! Not really, I eagerly embrace the fact that I get older with every breath that I take and will eventually have gray hair. I'm actually looking forward to the gray... I'm hoping it grows in like my grandmother's, starting with just a defiant patch on my right temple.

Until then, school started Monday under the unforgiving heat of Sacramento in the [almost] Fall [not quite] Summer heat. My classes so far seem.... A tad daunting. Which, I think may be a good thing. When classes are easy and don't require much thinking on my part I tend to... Stop going. I think I welcome the challenge... No matter how huge it seems to be at the moment.

Unfortunately, this heat is stealing my soul and I can't think of anything remotely interesting to say.

Oh well.

Nina Simone is about to receive heavy rotation on all of my music players

Shake Your Head, It's Empty

Effects of the light at the Echoplex, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

Nothing is more depressing then a watered down Americano.

Ok, so that's not exactly true... However, while I drink this watered down version of my favorite form of espresso, it is what's currently causing a dillema. Do I take the drink back and ask for it to be remade, or do I suck it up?

...I'm taking it back. After all, when a poor college student leaves you a tip [a whole dollar!] they kind of expect the drink to be as close to perfect as possible. Good thing I planned on sticking around here for a while.

[This will be a time skip, while I go ask for my drink to be redone]

So I just realized something fairly distressing. [Or at least distressing relating to my Americano.] I went and asked for another shot of espresso, and much to my pleased surprise... I was given 2 shots and both were free! 'Clearly,' I thought... 'This will make all the difference!'

I was wrong. Unfortunately, what I blamed on water was really the fault of the espresso. For some reason [I know the reason, but I'd have to explain the way the espresso machine works and that would take to long...] the espresso's are pulling fowl. They're just... gah, bitter and gross.

Trust me, there is nothing worse then dead tasting shots of espresso.

Oh well. Now that we're basically back at the beginning, we can get to the point of things. Or rather, what I meant to be the point of this entry... While unpacking and listening to the newly found 90s radio station [yes, I was endlessly pleased to discover it], I found my old journal from High School.

Can we say wow? I forgot how intensely I felt things back then, just re-reading some of the entries was almost enough to overwhelm me [And thank every star past and present that I managed to get through it]. At the same time, some of the entries made me laugh [...and cringe]. After all, Lydia. Good times, bad times. That was two years of my life.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to progress from here. I know... What an ambiguous statement! Where is here? What are you talking about?! Bueller? Bueller?

Here is simply here. And I'll figure it out. In the meantime, I really should send NPR a thank you letter [read: email] for Metric's live concert podcast

Breathe in | pause | Exhale

Randomly Yours, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

Today has been a long day.

I don't think I've really slept in the past 38 hours and it's definitely catching up to me. By 4 this morning I was boarding a train back to Sacramento. And despite my best efforts, no reading was actually done on the 6 hour trip between LA and Sac.

Well actually that's a lie. I've been re-reading IV by Chuck Klosterman. Seriously? The guy is the writer I want to be. He writes and expresses his thoughts in the perfected fashion that I attempt. Not only that, but his sense of humor is so dry that you'd absolutely miss it if you weren't paying attention. Now while Chuck managed to keep my horribly sleep deprived mind's attention [like always], he was absolutely not what I had planned to read.

What did I plan to read, you ask?

Well, it just so happened that last week I got my hands on [fingers on] a virtual treasure trove [literally virtual] of e-books [I know, i know! Tsk tsk on so many levels! E-books? Acquired?] However, so not the point. The point is, I got my hands on a few books I've been wanting to read but dragging my feet in buying. In addition to those, I got a few books I'd vow to give a try but refused to buy. All together I'd say I acquired about 40 books, and I'd been eagerly awaiting this weekend, after all... Lack of cable + lack of internet + a couple pounds of coffee = Perfect opportunity for a full literary submersion.

Unfortunately.... Lack of Sleep + Zero Furniture + Hardwood Floor = Way to uncomfortable to enjoy a short nap, let alone long term readng.

Meaning? A new mission was born. I had to go buy a bed. So to Walmart I went!

...And immediately realized that I maybe should have brought a map. The Walmart I went to was seriously the size of Disneyland. Do you have any idea how hard it is trying to navigate a store like Walmart of that size, with out any caffeine running through your blood stream? It was slightly terrifying. Like one of those bizarre dreams where everything is disproportionately big and no one can understand you because of how small you are in comparison. After about an hour and a half in there I managed to grab: half & half, an air bed, bananas, and a couple sandwiches... Then I briskly walked out hoping for the world to make sense again.

Really, this whole day has just been sort of surreal in the way only sleepless days can be. Immediately after leaving the almost to cold Walmart with it's insane size, I was thrust into Sacramento's version of summer: 100 degree F. heat.

It's been crazy, it's been long, and this may not be as coherent as I'd like it to be. However, the heat has passed and I've got a deliciously made Americano with toffee-nut.

All and all, it wouldn't be completely unreasonable to say the scales were starting to balance.

Dirt Between the Dirt

Arctic Monkeys 2, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

Humbug.

That's actually what I felt upon first full listen to the Arctic Monkeys new album. Consequently, I spent much of my first listen thinking that Josh Homme [Queens of the Stone Age lead singer, and producer of the album] had a little too much influence on the cd's sound; the whole thing originally felt more like the QotSA then Arctic Monkeys. However, I've been listening to Humbug for the past couple hours and I can admit that it's grown on me. There are a lot of subtleties to this album. Much more then either Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not and Favorite Worst Nightmare . Actually, now that I'm writing this I think I may like this album more then Favorite Worst Nightmare.

In other news that has little to do with the deconstuction of the Arctic Monkeys [And believe me, that's where that was headed... You can thank me for stopping myself if you must.] School starts next Monday and my birthday is that Thursday.

Crazy. I'm going to be 22 and still upon meeting me, the most common age people assume that I am is 16. Some of have gone as far as to get upset when I claim to be anything older then 18. It's... odd. Especially considering, that my mother had been married, given birth to me and separated from my father by 21. Especially considering, my grandmother had given birth to 3 children by 21... And yet, at the age of 21, 2 weeks away from my birthday not only do I not look old enough for any of the women I become interested in [it's curse, I fall for older women] the idea of being forced into a 9 to 5 is enough to send me into a [mostly mild] panic attack.

Oh well.

If the point of College is to grow up, does that mean you stay there until you do? Could I do that? I mean sure, my grandmother thinks I'm wasting my life away... But really, I'm fine with that.

Help! I'm Alive

Metric, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

"You know that feeling when... You're at a festival outside... And the music is just drifting out on the breeze? That's the feeling I've dedicated my life to... Music blows my mind, I don't understand it's just vibrations.. And yet it's the most beautiful thing."

--Emily Haines on NPR: Metric Live in Concert

I think it's highly amusing that my idea of productivity these days, is waking up before 11 and managing to get a cup of coffee ingested by 12. Actually that may be more sad then anything; however, with my last few days before I have to dedicate my life to school once again rapidly dwindling I have to make the most of them.

And you know, I'd say I'm doing a pretty good job of that.

For example, right now I'm indulging my absolute love for all things Emily Haines and Metric, by listening to a live concert of theirs via an NPR podcasts. Which has actually all kinds of amazing. Who knew the Itunes music podcasts section was hiding such gems? I certainly didn't. I even managed to find a live concert from The Decembersts! However, listening to that was really bittersweet. Or rather... More bitter then anything.

I still haven't really gotten over the way they basically just spat in the face of all of their fans, when they canceled the "Long of it, Short of it" Tour. The tour was basically going to be, two nights in all of the major US cities. On night one, they'd perform all of their extended songs; on night two, they'd perform all of their normal length songs. Sounds... exciting right? I mean a chance to hear every single one of their epics in one night, then the next night all of the others? I agree, I bought my tickets as soon as possible.

The email I got to cancel it was kind of like... "Yeah.. We're canceling the tour, something came up. Hopefully you get your money back.". ...Really, the Decemberists? It wasn't cool and it ended a 6 year love affair, turning it into passing appreciation.

Oh well, it's hard to to dwell on the douche baggery that is the Decemberists when Emily Haines singing: "Is it ever going to be enough?" Is coming out of my speakers.

In other [semi] non music related things [because in some way everything can be brought back to music]. I've been trying to figure out how to furnish my house, or at the very least my room. And while it always starts with my trying to find a cheap bed/futon... It equally always degenerated to me looking at the best stereo's and espresso/coffee machines I can afford. And incase your wondering? I'm fairly certain that I've settled on a Espresso Machine from Walmart [yes, yes, I KNOW! Walmart=the devil]. What makes this espresso machine the one? It also, steams milk and brews coffee.

Do you know what that means!? It means I can make my own Red Eye in the Morning! It means, should I so choose, I could make a Tuxedo or Toffee Nut Latte.. It means FREEDOM!

lol. Yeah, basically it just means I can more easily feed my coffee addiction. Oh well

"I Hope I Live It Out"