Claim

ts, originally uploaded by SisterSafetyPin.

When you are young and raised as a Christian... Or rather, when you are young and from a family with deep roots in the South and raised a Baptist... Correction Missionary Baptist [12 loyal years, 3 confused years, and 3 forced years later, I'm still not sure what the distinction means. | For those attempting the math, I stopped going the week after I turned 18.]

But my point...

When you are raised by black transplants... [I prefer to use the word, "black." Why? Because as a little person I thought if I used only the word 'black,' in reference to myself people would see how ridiculous it is. After all, I'm pretty sure I passed kindergarden for a reason... One of them was my ability to distinguish colors. Upon learning that skill I realized I was... In fact... Brown! And as I grew older I just found 'black' less... Other than 'African-American.' I didn't immigrate here... So why would I need an extra quantifier on American? Most days even that label feels to heavy in the face of its government's decisions...]

But once again... I've gotten lost in a tangent in what is, or should be, a fairly serious post.

When you are raised the way I was, there are certain phrases that stick with you. Like a certain pastor's favorite phrase... Or certain unspoken Church specific rules.... But mainly, it will be the little things that all of the very old women that crowded you as a child never stopped repeating... And of course was then echoed from everyone with the will to hear.

For tonight's purpose, I'll tell you the one being focused on: Don't Claim It

Of course, you'd never hear it that straight forward from one of them... No no, for them you need any number of quantifiers... like: [fuck it never mind, I was going to type them the way they end up sounding but it just looks stupid] Child, girl, son, etc...

And as cliche as it is... Even though it's a holdover from a place full of hypocrisy... It's something that's stayed with me.

When I'm worried? Don't claim it. When I'm ill? Don't claim it. When I might be ill?

Yeah. You get the idea.

However, as I sit hear with a pounding headache on the cusp of giving in and acknowledging that there might be a problem... I can't help but hear an old women muttering, not to claim it.

But, how much of that is wisdom passed down through ages... And how much of it is sticking your ass in the air and hoping if you bury your head low enough it will go away?

I don't know, and I've got years of hiding from possible endgame probabilities under my belt.

To some degree I still am. With one breath I resolve to get answers, with the next I hope it will all go away. With the third I pretend the last two thoughts never happened and change the song...

I'm not really sure where to end this. There is no answer to my question of the day. If there were, there'd be no conflicted pain filled emotions to spur this post.

And by pain filled, I mean literal head pain. I'm not so angsty as to just throw around melodrama the way the Godmother threw around money...

Google her


Lift every voice and sing..

I feel like a woman...

the El Cid, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

There are no gains, without pains...
- Poor Richard

Sitting [read: laying] here experiencing yet another surprise visit from Aunt Flow and I find myself wondering two things. 1. Does that anthem for feeling like a woman take into account the utter mess of emotions, with a side of various degrees of pain, that is a few days of every month? 2. What exactly is the gain behind those dreaded few days a month?

Some women [read: women that have given birth] will tell you that the pain you experience monthly is to prepare you for the pain of childbirth. However, these same women will tell you, with a face so serious you know it's seen hell, that there is no pain like giving birth. Then not even a full breath later these women will swear that the moment you hold your child all of that pain will disappear... like magic.

All of that only serves to debunk the whole, "Preparing you for birth," angle favored by some women [who have given birth]. After all, if there is no comparable pain and yet one goes into labor considering your monthly visit from Tante Flow to be the point of reference as to what to expect... Well, one is going in confident from a completely outdated cheat sheet. Furthermore, one must also take into account that these women [who have given birth] actually believe the pain rides away on the pony of aww the second you hold your child...

Not buying that.

Which means I [and I'm sure a few other women] are left wondering where exactly the gain is hiding in all of this.

If one were to get religious, it could be said that there is no gain. That for the woman, life is eternal struggling and punishment. Why? Because she led poor simple minded Adam into deceitfulness with her evil feminine wiles...

If one were to get philosophical; it could be said the gain is understanding the pain of loss, thus appreciating the gift of life...

BUT I'M NOT BUYING THAT EITHER!

So we've reached a stalemate of thought. Or rather I've reached a stalemate. I suppose I'll accept that the gain of pain experienced in this instance will remain a great mystery in life.

At least for now...