Full Moon

50 WEST, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

It's cold, positively gray outside and I've got a huge cup of coffee.

It's nice. But I'm slipping, much like I always do.Slipping in the way it's very easy to start an unbreakable cycle. So I guess it's a good thing there's a 10-hour tozo underway right now.

I'll only be catching the last 3 to 4 hours of it, but I desperately need it. I don't know why I'm so easily thrown off kilter. And I wish more then anything it wasn't something I needed to work so hard at. I mean, most people wake up with their alarm, get dressed and do the things they need to do.

Me? Every step of the cycle from going to sleep to waking up is a struggle. And the slightest deviation puts things in a spin. So like I said, headed for a tozo. Because I could really really really use the Daimoku.

When the thorn bush turns white that's when I'll come home
I am going out to see what I can sow
And I don't know where I'll go
And I don't know what I'll see
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me
___________________'Full Moon' - The Black Ghosts

Cravings

Cravings, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

First things first... How yum does that look? I woke up this morning with the distinct craving for good pasta salad. And while I had the pasta and the spinach, that was ALL I had.

So to the grocery store I went! Well, first stop was actually to get coffee... But THEN to the grocery store I went.

Now, generally I hate grocery shopping. I'm never quite sure WHAT I should buy so I usually end up with choice overload. Resulting in me buying bread, lunch meat, half & half, and spinach. However, today was different for some reason. I think it may have been, subtle excitement for the pasta I'd be making when I got home.

Like always, I shopped slow. Seriously, slow. I'm sure I'd never be able to shop with someone else because they'd quickly get frustrated with how long I take. But what can I say? I don't like being rushed. And after about an hour and a half... I'd finally got everything. [Or rather, everything I felt like buying. Whether it was enough remains to be seen.]

I slowly make my way to the cashier, while listening to my ipod and feeling thoroughly pleased with myself. Now, whenever I'm in a position where someone may address me, I take one headphone out. Just so I wont seem rude. So while I'm putting my food on the belt I can't help but over hear some of the conversation between the cashier and the woman in front of me. For the most part the conversation is little more then background noise. However, just as I'm about to put my Cranbery Juice [With CALCIUM!] on the belt I hear the cashier say, "But that's just that fundamental darkness..."

And my head snapped up. Fundamental Darkness? Was this woman a SGI member?!

I should point out that she was an older black lady. And while this may be an unfair stereotype, I always assume older black women or Christian. It's a hold over from my youth when all the older black people I met WERE Christian. Baptist to be exact.

So of course, I'm hopelessly intrigued and the second the other woman walks away I basically word vomit my question... "Are you a buddhist!?"

Haha. The woman looks at me and she kind of opens her mouth to respond. Pauses and then explains that she's not supposed to talk about things like that at work. Which basically translates to yes, so I'd had my question answered. However, a moment later the woman looks at me and asks me why I asked and I told her it was the phrase "fundamental darkness." I've not heard it anywhere but in Buddhism.

So she nods and asks me what I am. And of COURSE I'm grinning and feeling even more pleased with myself so I say... "Buddhist. SGI." [Imagine me saying.. Bond. James Bond. And you get the picture]

Anyhoo, I found out the woman practices in my district [read: area; it's not big]. We talked a bit and it was just really awesome. I can't really explain WHY it was so great... But it made my inner Buddha quiver with glee

Frustration

2169, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

Frustration is spending 2 hours using the "not quite up to New York City standards" public transportation of LA to apply at a bookstore... Only to discover that they are in fact NOT hiring. Despite what you were told on the phone a few days prior.

In response to the great waste [which is what we will now call the total of 4 hours I'll have lost due to this trip], I made a pit stop at my thinking place. Yes. A coffee was definitely needed while I found myself once again back at square one. Trying to figure out where best to go from here.

It's funny, in the way life always isn't when it's trying to be as difficult as possible. One half of me would like to go home and have a rather spectacular sulk. While the other half would like nothing more then another coffee. This time, freshly brewed instead of iced. No doubt, the half of me that would rather have another coffee then sulk is the Buddhist half. After all, there's no time for sulking when one has great coffee. And a Buddhist should never sulk. It implies that one has given up.

I haven't. So I'll just go get that coffee

You may think...

Cage the Elephant, originally uploaded by nicolemonet2002.

"You may think you offered gifts to the trea-
sure tower... but that is not so. You
offered them to yourself."
--The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin - Page 299

So... the picture above is quite possibly one of my all time favorite concert photos period. Which is cool, because Cage the Elephant was one of the best shows of the weekend... In my humble and very simple opinion that is.

However, Coachella was week ago. Present day sees me inhabiting a mixed bag of emotions. Chief among them being, exhaustion. On one hand, [as is generally the case] I've just realized what is most likely a reason... Lack of iron. On another... Allergies. Yet another gift from Sacramento.

Another major emotion dominating space in the bag is a mild case of dysphoria. The Spring semester is almost over and I need to find a job as well as a cheaper place to stay. To make things a tad more pressing I need to find an alternative place to stay by the end of July. Both tasks are proving to be quite difficult.

Lastly, well actually no. I think everything else just kind of falls into sub-categories of my dysphoria. That's not to say, I'm feeling particularly 'woe'-filled... Just... slightly anxious.

Blame it on the alc.. Just kidding.

Blame it on the exhaustion